Luger Of The Mind
by Gojirob
Summary: Journey with Captain Barney Miller and the crew of the NCC-1712, The USS Pitlik, as they journey to Tantalus Five, where it seems Admiral Luger's nephew, Doctor Tristan Adams, may be up to no good. The old One-Two boldly goes where no precinct has gone...


**Luger of the Mind**  
by Rob Morris

Barney: Captain's Log, Bernard Miller, Commanding the USS Pitlik, recording. We are at this time conducting a routine stop above Penal Rehab Colony Tantalus Five......

Harris: .......otherwise known as the Federation Fruit Farm.

(Barney turns, glares at Harris)

Barney: Number One, please either keep such commentary to yourself, or at the very minimum, make it more respectful.

Harris: (Smiling) Tantalus Tutti-Frutti?

(Barney gives up, looks at Nav/Console)

Barney: Mister Yamane, have we achieved standard orbit above Tantalus Five?

(Nick Yamane somewhat wearily looks up at the screen)

Nick: Uhhh...I guess, Barn. I mean, there does seem to be a planet below us. Sure looks like it, anyway. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say there is.

(Barney shakes his head; Yamane shrugs; Barney continues his log)

Barney: Here, Admiral Luger was hoping for a brief reunion with his nephew, Tantalus Colony Director Tristan Adams. Unfortunately, our schedule does not allow......

(Leaning on the rail behind Barney is Admiral Frank Luger, who interrupts)

Luger: Tristan....my sister just haaadddaa go and name him Tristan. You know, Barn......I was truly worried about that boy, till he took an interest in girls. Wadda relief that was....till he went and turned around and took up *Lacrosse* at the Academy.....

(Barney cuts him off)

Barney: Miller to Fish. Doctor, have the containers from Tantalus been beamed up safely?

(In the transporter room)

Fish: How should I know? I'm a Doctor, not a transporter Chief.

(He pauses; shakes his head)

Fish: I'm not even a very good doctor. My feet are.....

Barney: (Annoyed) Wojo--are the materials up yet?

Wojo: Yeah, Barn. Dietrich is giving them the once-over.

Dietrich: They're boxes all right.

Wojo: But shouldn't ya check em' out for bio-hazardous junk or escaped loonies, or somethin'?

Dietrich: Nah. To hide in there---a guy'd have to be crazy.

(Turns and looks)

Dietrich: Oh, yeah.

(Does a cursory check; Shrugs)

Dietrich: I still say they're boxes.

Fish: Can we go?

Wojo: Yeah, let's get to dinner while Barney's recording his dumb log. Why's he do that, anyway?

Dietrich: You know, our ancestors used to record diaries of such great  
length and breadth----

(Fish and Wojo glare)

Dietrich: That they were really, really long!

(All three leave and do not see Van Gelder escape as the teaser ends)

* * *

(Furtively, Van Gelder darts through the halls; two security men fall as they try to stop him)

Leavitt: Leavitt to Chief Dietrich! Sir, WE have a situation. Some psycho-nutburger is on a tear through the passages. I got two injured men.

Dietrich: (On audio) Y'know, Carl--have you ever stopped to consider how much time we all spend diminishing each other with these little nicknames? Psycho-Burger, Fruit-Loops, Twinkie-Dink, Belfrystreet Boys---

Barney: (Interrupts) Dietrich, just get down there and help Leavitt.

(Dietrich and Harris enter turbolift)

Dietrich: But it really is true. Rooted in the human psyche is this need to ward off the perceived curse of mental illness by attacking, even in the most civil and restrained fashion.....

Harris: (Rolling his eyes) Some days, this lift takes longer than others.

Dietrich: ....those people who, through the luck of the genetic draw and nothing else, just don't know how to function in a society that is contradictory and often deliberately irritating.

Harris: Sounds like you've worked in a place like Tantalus.

Dietrich: What are you, nuts? Those people make my skin crawl.

(Leavitt is chasing Van Gelder as they emerge; They join the pursuit; Harris has trouble keeping up)

Leavitt: (Smiling) Sirs, I recommend that First Officer Harris fall back- -especially if he can't quite keep up.

Harris: I guess those lil' legs carry you pretty fast, don't they, Mister Leavitt?

Leavitt: Almost as far as a big mouth will--sir.

Harris: Leavitt, I'm shocked! Dietrich--did you hear what he just said about you?

(As the chase continues, Wojo emerges from the galley)

Wojo: Hey, guys--the coffee's actually good. I think Nick Yamane must have finally---

(Van Gelder crashes headlong into Wojo; He is thrown back, and then collapses)

Harris: Thank God for brick walls.

Leavitt: (Holds phaser over Van Gelder) All right you--don't move!

(Dietrich looks down)

Dietrich: I think ya got em', gunslinger.

Wojo: (On audio) Hey, Barn--we caught this guy. I think he musta got away from Tantalus.

Barney: (Quite annoyed) Wojo, could he have possibly arrived here in one of the containers that you, Fish and Dietrich were supposed to have inspected?

Wojo: Well, Duh, Barn! How the hell else could her have escaped? I mean, geez, talk about obvious.

Barney: We'll discuss this later. Now, how is the prisoner?

Wojo: Oh, he's dead.

Barney: (Looks down) I understand. I know you did your best.

Wojo: Yeah, he's dead to the world, Captain. Prolly be an hour fore he comes to. Barney: Lt. Cmdr. Wojohowiecz! I have warned you on countless occasions about your way of phrasing these things!

(Later, most are assembled in Sickbay, looking over Van Gelder)

Van Gelder: He--he is a monster who seeped his way into my every thought, wanted to know my every last sensation! Have you ever known such an inherently invasive force?

Fish: (Nodding) Yes--I call it-Bernice.

Miller: This man has been put through something well beyond the standard psych regimen. I'm now forced to wonder about Doctor Adams' techniques. That this man is a former colleague of his doesn't help matters, either.

Adm. Luger: Ahhh, Barn! You're just jealous cause my nephew knows how to deal wit the scum of the universe! They should all be droolin' masses o' quiverin' flesh, lyin' around knee-deep in their own doo-dah!

Nick Y: Hey, that reminds me--anyone want more coffee?

Harris: Captain -- am I to take it that we'll be returning laughing boy here to Oz in Wonderland?

Miller: Since that happens to be our duty, Mister Harris, yes. I suppose you'll be breaking out your dress uniform, as usual.

Harris: Nah--not *this* time.

Dietrich: Captain, I may be able to get through Doctor Van Gelder's mental fog. I once worked at a place like Tantalus.

Harris: I thought you said people like this make your skin crawl.

Dietrich: No. I only said that because it was well-timed.

Barney: (Raises an eyebrow) Nick, you have the Conn till we get back. Doctor Fish, Commander Dietrich will assist you in reviving Doctor Van Gelder.

(Fish looks at Dietrich, clearly not relishing time alone with the talkative officer)

Fish: Aye, Captain.

(Everyone leaves; Dietrich starts in)

Dietrich: So how's life been treating you, Doctor Van Gelder?

Van Gelder: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

Fish: That's funny. *I* usually don't start screaming until he's been at it a while.

* * *

(Yamane is operating transporter pad)

Nick Y: Hey, Barney? Is it possible that all of Doctor Adams' miracle cures could just end up being big phonies?

Barney: Well, Nick, I have to be honest. Doctor Van Gelder's condition raises serious questions about his colleague's track record.

Nick Y: Huh. Then my bookie is gonna owe me plenty.

Barney: Please don't tell me that you bet on the success record of Penal Rehab Colonies.

Nick Y: Barney, ya gotta understand. I was given a twenty-point spread. These rehab colonies are great for the really big bets. You should see the one I have on Captain Garth.

Barney: Which I don't know about. Ready, Harris?

Harris: Yessss, Captain. One flew east, and one flew west, and one flew over the....

Barney: (Very annoyed) NUMBER ONE!

Harris: (Trying to recover) That...that just happens to be my favorite movie.

Barney: Even though it just happens to be over 300 years old?

Harris: Barney! This elitism just won't do.

Wojo: (Comes in late, tucking his shirt) Sorry, guys. I got lucky. Hehh!

Barney: Wojo--we don't *always* need to be made aware of that.

Wojo: Sorry, Barn. What, things been slow in your cabin lately?

Barney: Just--just get on the padd. Is everyone here?

Nick Y: We're just waiting on the psychology expert.

(In walks Lt. Janice Wentworth, played by Linda Lavin)

Barney: I thought you were our Earth history expert.

Wentworth: That was only when Khotter was on board. *Hi*, Wojo! (Smiles at him, making certain things obvious)

Barney: Wentworth, we are on a schedule here.

Wojo: Don't mind Barney, Jan. It's just been slow for him.

Barney: Wojo.....

Wentworth: I know. Captain, you been with anybody besides me since the Christmas party?

(Barney rubs his head; she gets onto the pad)

Harris+Wojo: You didn't tell me about you and Barney.......

(Beam-out)

Nick Y: Yemana to Comm Station. Establish contact with Las Vegas. And order me some decent noodles.

Leavitt: (On Bridge) No can do, sir. Wentworth is our only comm officer.

Nick Y: (Shakes his head) This crew has just gotta get another woman.

* * *

(Down on the surface with Admiral Luger is Doctor Adams)

Barney: Admiral--I thought that we agreed that you *weren't* going to beam down?

Luger: Ahhh, Barn. You know me. I mean, my nephew here has got some choice scumballs in stir, down here. I couldn't resist rattling their little cages. The old Admiral's gotta have some fun, ya know.

Adams: (A little nervous) Actually, Uncle Frank, our recent efforts have made rehabilitation of some hardcore felons truly possible.

Luger: I just knewwww your mother shoulda never named you *Tristan*!

Barney: Doctor Adams, I have some questions about those methods you've used. Doctor Van Gelder described a bright light.

Luger: Oh, you gotta see this thing, Barney! It is be-you-tea-full! It makes these scum WISH they'd had a lobotomy when they shoulda. Makes em' peaceable as lambs, wipes out every last scummy impulse. We just hafta use this thing on The Klingons- -especially those new ones, been cropping up lately. What is up with those foreheads?!

Adams: (Now very nervous, and more so each time his uncle speaks) Well, Captain. Our Neural Neutralizer is a useful tool. But Uncle Frank is wholly exaggerating its capabilities. Sadly, Doctor Van Gelder chose to test it upon himself.

Barney: I'm sorry, Doctor Adams. But while I have the utmost respect for your work, this whole process just sounds blatantly unconstitutional. It seems to deprive these patients of their rights-- perhaps even of their very memories.

Adams: Captain Miller----

Luger: (Interrupts) You bet your sweet bippy it does, Barney! Hey,  
Lethe---what are you in here for?

Lethe: I--really don't remember.

Adams: Uncle Frank---Lethe did some things that are best if forgotten entirely.

Luger: You're tellin' me? Sheee took her whole family, and she carved them up so fine, you coulda used them for ham salad. Hey, I think she did, too. Boy oh boy--did she need to be strapped in or what?

Barney: Admiral, please. I want to hear Doctor Adams' side of this. Lt. Wentworth--do you have any questions about this 'Neural Neutralizer'?

Wentworth: Well, it does raise some fundamental questions about....nahhh. No questions, Captain.

(Barney kinds of stares at her)

Barney: Thanks loads, Wentworth.

(Wojo + Harris return)

Harris: Barney--there's something not right about this place. If I were a squirrel, frankly I'd starve to death for want of nuts.

Wojo: I seen the patients wanderin' around, happy as you please, even the hard-cases. It's like some zombie holovid, ya know, right before they tear out your liver and make you watch them eat it.

Barney: Thank you for that description, Wojo. Doctor Adams--care to comment?

(Adams' patients surround them)

Adams: I have a tool to help the sick become better, Captain. What kind of Doctor would I be if I didn't use it?

Luger: Ahhh, yew tell em', nephoow-mine! Barney, he just doesn't get how things really.....

Adams: Shut up, Uncle Frank! I have as little use for your tired brand of reactionary drivel as I do for Captain Miller's endless moralizing.

Luger: Ohhh, so that's how it is. Everyone just wants to push the Old Admiral aside. It's just like on The Constitution. It was me, Bobby April, Georgie Kirk and Old Brownie. I says to Bobby and Georgie---I reaally think that we can take down some wimpy three-headed dragon. So's I lock in the controls to pursue. They talked about court-martial and all that malarkey--while I high-tailed it to an escape pod. Course, I'm not really supposed ta talk about all that...

(Barney is strapped into the Neural Neutralizer chair)

Adams: Captain, you obviously need to relax. Miss Wentworth---here's a chance for you to really help your patient.

(Wentworth is forced to the microphone)

Wentworth: Captain---try not to get so upset when the guys do certain things that annoy you. You should really expect it. I mean (she chuckles) they do the same things *every* time.

(Barney rolls his eyes as the agony hits him)

--------------------------------------------  
(A very weary Barney is returned to the holding cell)

Wojo: Hey, Barn--you okay?

Harris: Yeah, Barney. This place does not agree with you.

(Sits down)

Barney: Let's just say it's not an experience I'd recommend. He forced me to relive Chano-Scanlon--everything.

Wentworth: It's funny, Captain. Doctor Adams only did that when he couldn't program anything into you.

Harris: Like anyone *could*.

Barney: And just what is that supposed to mean, Commander Harris?

Wojo: He means yer stubborn, Barn.

Harris: Now, that is *not* what I meant at all. I just meant that---errrrr--that no one will EVER break the Captain Of The USS Pitlik!

Wojo: Yeah--that's what you meant. And Stanislaw Wojohowiecz is an Irish name.

Harris: Pity that dry wit never helps you with the Commander's exam.

Barney: For now, may I suggest that we just concentrate our efforts and our attention on getting out of here?

Wojo: You called it, Harris. Boy is he stubborn.

Harris: Oh--you're telling me? I was six chapters into writing 'Blood On The Commbadge', and he just insisted that I break my entire train of thought....

Barney: And perform your duty as a Starfleet Officer?

Harris: Barney! Ouch!

Wentworth: Captain--is there anything I can do?

Barney: (Sarcasm) Well, you could try not praising Doctor Adams' work while I'm under the Neural Neutralizer. (Serious) But for now, just make him think you agree with what he's doing. That should buy us some time.

Wojo: Buy us time. Heh. Hey, Barn--you always use that one.

Harris: No, no. He always uses 'Harris, take Wojo and Fish and scan the perimeter for hostiles.' Then, he always finds them, and we go running, when we could have all just stayed together.

Wentworth: Nah. He mostly tells me and Leavitt to stay on The Bridge--and away from any possibility of promotion.

Barney: Do I ever say that I'm tired of a particular conversation, and just might be of a mind to convene a court-martial for general insubordination?

Harris: mmmm....Not too often.

* * *

(Back aboard The Pitlik)

Dr. Fish: So you got Van Gelder to talk. How? The man was not what you'd call coherent. He reminds me of me when Bernice's family visits.

Dietrich: I used an old and trusted technique, involving holding a finger in front of someone's eyes and then slowly pulling it away. Done correctly, it can calm anyone, even a grieving parent or spouse in the initial throes.

Fish: And if it's done incorrectly?

Dietrich: You like vegetable soup?

(Turns serious)

Dietrich: Doctor, meet me on The Bridge. The Captain and the landing party are in grave danger.

(He leaves)

Fish: CMO to transporter room. Intra-ship transport, from Sickbay to Bridge.

Chief: But sir---intraship transport is tricky. It can result in instant death.

Fish: At my age---*most* things can result in instant death.

(On The Bridge)

Dietrich: Good work, Yemana. You got us back into orbit over Tantalus in record time.

Fish: I'm impressed. And not much impresses me anymore. Actually, very little has ever impressed me. I'm just that way.

Yemana: Actually, guys---we kinda never left orbit. See, Barney always orders us to break orbit, and then he orders us back again, to pull him out. So I never left.

Dietrich: But what about that gas giant we were supposed to scan?

Yemana: Oh, it blew up fine without us. I got footage from GNN.

Leavitt: Sirs --- I can get us through the shield surrounding Tantalus. But I'll need something from you.

Fish: Leavitt, for God's sake, whatever it is, just have us do it. Barney's life is at stake.

Dietrich: What do you need to get through the shield, Lieutenant?

Leavitt: (Smarmy) Affidavits, signed by you, saying that I got us through the shield. Promotion time---is almost here!

* * *

(Back on Tantalus, Barney and his crew have escaped)

Barney: We'll escape through the vents.

Harris: Oh, no. This is crazy air, and I don't need the scent.

Barney: Fine. Wojo, Wentworth---you two go through the vents. I'll try and draw Doctor Adams' attention.

Wojo: How?

Barney: I'll-I'll improvise! Just get going.

(In The NN Room, Dietrich has captured and secured Doctor Adams, who is strapped to the chair)

Adams: Arthur, surely you of all people see the vital work I'm doing here.

Dietrich: You mean the work that betters the galaxy by putting aside vague ethical questions in favor of real-world results? The work that has the sheer guts to say that incorrigible is a defeatist term, and declares our overly patient regimen with the mentally afflicted and criminally insane to once and for all be at an end, replaced at last by something that actually dares to cure the patient?

Adams: So you do understand.

Dietrich: Nah. I just say things like that, when I get on a tear. It really annoys the hell out of Captain Miller.

(He leaves; Finds Barney&Harris)

Barney: Dietrich--help us find Wojo+Wentworth!

(W+W emerge, hair and clothes tousled)

Wojo: Heh. Sorry, Barn. We got a little busy in the vents.

Wentworth: Stanny---next time, try impulse speed instead of Warp 9.

Wojo: Don't--don't say stuff like that. It gets around.

Barney: May I suggest we forget all this and secure Doctor Adams?

Dietrich: I already have him, Captain.

(They enter the NN room; Adams is dead and the NN is running)

Fish: It must have gone on by accident. I have a pacemaker like that.

Harris: I thought you had an artificial  
heart.

Fish: Every little bit helps.

Barney: Can you imagine it? A mind emptied by that-that thing? Without even a tormentor as company?

(Admiral Luger emerges)

Luger: Wadaya talkin' bout, Barney? I turned that thing on. Yeah, I talked to my nephew about the good old days with me, Bobby April, Georgie Kirk and Old Brownie! Then I did some straight talk to him about how his mother--my airhead sister--shoulda never given him a frilly name like *Tristan*!

(He leaves; Barney looks sad)

Barney: Commander Harris--arrest Admiral Luger, and take him into custody in our brig. Charge--felony homicide.

Harris: (Smiling) You've been waiting for this, haven't you, Captain?

(Adams' body is removed; Fish returns to  
Neural Neutralizer; Inserts a recording into microphone; Turns NN on; Sits down)

Fish's voice: You have never been married; You don't know anybody named Bernice.....

(Fish smiles as the show ends)

* * *

**Where No Chano Has Gone Before**

(Chano Amanguela and Barney are on Delta Vega---merely talking)

Chano: (Sitting on a rock, back turned to Barney; his voice echoes a bit) I'm...gonna have to stay here, aren't I?

Barney: (Looking sad but firm) Chano, you called us all bugs. Told me you were a new breed of man. The old breed has some problems with that.

Chano: (Turns and looks) I didn't mean any of that, Barney. This--this power is just making me crazy. Please don't leave me here. I'm alone. Tell me, are you really contemplating the death of an old friendship?

Barney: Chano---we go back to your first year at the Academy. I knew who I wanted as XO. The crazy guy who--who took a poison dart for me, and nearly died. Now, though---well, you yourself said Dietrich was right.

Chano: Dietrich is always right, Barney. He never stops yapping---but he's always right. With me gone, you'll need someone like him. So are ya gonna try and kill me?

Barney: No. Not over a bad trip into the Barrier. Me--I kind of like to cheat death, not help it out.

Chano: I'm gonna create my own world here, Barney. (His eyes glow) You should go now. That old junkman near where I used to live--he didn't like trespassers. Actually--he didn't like anybody, really. Used to call his son a big dum.....

(Barney has by now beamed out; Chano sits and begins to just sob; the world around him begins to shift to the Watts of his youth)

(Back on The USS Pitlik)

Wojo: Uhh, Barn--did you....?

Harris: You know, did you have to....?

Yamane: Chano, is he..did you....?

Fish: Was it quic----was it diff---how did it all---?

Barney: (Very upset) NO! NO! I didn't kill a man I've known for years just because he's become something we don't understand! Unless he was an active threat to my ship or my crew, no, I was not going to kill him, so you can all take your advice about what I have to do, what I was supposed to do, and you can just....

(Yamane hands him a padd)

Nick: Barn---Starfleet, they just sent this. Uhhh--six months back, The Enterprise ran into the Barrier. Same thing happened.

(Barney reads it)

Barney: Please be advised to avoid the Barrier at The Galactic Rim--Admiralty Hall. (Stares harshly at it) These people have no clue! I just lost one of the best friends----

(The others look down, Barney walks to his chair; Dietrich comes in)

Barney: Mister Dietrich.

Dietrich: Captain. How did the situation with Mister Chano go?

Barney: (Glares) I didn't kill him, if that's what you mean. I ignored your advice, and your multiplying pennies, and your lecture on Cro-Magnon versus Neanderthal, and I let my friend live out his days in peace on that world below us. Anything to add to all that?

Dietrich: Just one thing, Captain.

Barney: And that is?

Dietrich: (Deadly serious) Thank God.

(Barney looks at all their faces; Sees that this has gone down hard all around; Nods)

Barney: Let's get the hell out of here.

* * *

**The Lawyer Of Gothos**

(The Crew of the USS Pitlik beam down to retrieve a kidnapped Barney and Dietrich)

Wojo: Boy, this place is done up in early dump!

(The setting is a suspiciously familiar squadroom from the late 20th Century)

Yamane: Wow! They got an actual Mister Coffee. I think it was invented by a former baseball player who wrote one of Paul Simon's songs about his wife, a former actress who died in a car crash.

Harris: Thank God he's not ship's historian.

Fish: (Sees frozen Barney and Dietrich)  
I'm afraid to try and revive them. I think this is the longest I've seen either of them go without talking.

(Later, Arnold Ripner has appeared)

Ripner: In observing your primitive world, I found that these--attorneys--as you call them, are the dominant power on your planet.

Miller: Errr, Mister Ripner--your information is tragically out of date. People with constabulary functions no longer sit in rooms like these, waiting for crimes to occur.

Dietrich: Also, attorneys are rarely in use anymore. Our system of justice has finally achieved a level of innate fairness and accessibility that places the needs of the citizenry first and the state last.

Fish: You're wrong! If things are so blasted fair---then why I am still married to Bernice?

Barney: Phil--I happen to know you love that woman.

Fish: That still doesn't answer my question.

Ripner: Enough! I have come to sue the crew of The USS Pitlik on trial for cosmic brutality. If you lose, then your existence will be negated entirely.

(The trial; Each one is questioned in turn)

Ripner: All the poor creature wanted was salt--and you killed it.

Barney: It was drawing that salt from us, and killing my people in the process. We could have helped it, if it had merely asked.

Ripner: So my client died because of your faulty Universal Translator.

-----

Ripner: So you admit that you allowed Charlie Evans to be taken by the Thasians. A cold, unfeeling people. A harsh reality for a young man.

Harris: One, he represented a threat to our ship. Two, he had already murdered without conscience. And three---

(Harris gets up, and swipes at the air with his finger)

Harris: ---he turned my date into a monitor lizard!

-----

Ripner: So you wiped out an entire species on Deneva. Those neural parasites infested your wife and adopted children, so you just had to take savage vengeance, isn't that right, Doctor?

Fish: Actually, only the kids were infected. For some reason--they wouldn't touch Bernice.

Wojo: Hey, Fish--what happened to Loomis?

Fish: Some rich guy adopted him and his little brother. I haven't heard much, since then.

----------

Ripner: Do you deny any of the things that I've observed, Commander Dietrich? The countless and repeated crimes?

Dietrich: I deny nothing. I will however, point out that the rules of physics say that experimental observation changes both the observed and the observer.

Ripner: Meaning what?

Dietrich: Are we being judged by 23rd or 20th Century legal precedent?

Ripner: (Smiling) The 20th, of course. In this era, an aggressive attorney could run the entire courtroom.

Dietrich: Are you sure you want that?

Ripner: Certain. Why wouldn't I?

Dietrich: Because 20th Century law flirted with the largely discredited notion of casual observer responsibility. At one point in the early 21st Century, anyone who failed to take a bullet for someone else could be prosecuted.

Ripner: So?

Dietrich: By observing all our actions, and then failing to intervene in what you saw as crimes when you clearly had the power to do so--makes you a criminal according to the very laws you're using against us. It's in the judge's opinion, State Of Virginia vs. Seinfeld, 1998.

(Ripner's people call him home)

Ripner: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

(Vanishes)

Barney: Now, that was very satisfying.

Wojo: Yeah--how is it you know so much about law?

(They all move to leave and Dietrich shrugs)

Dietrich: You ever hear the phrase, 'It takes a thief'?

(After they go, Nick comes back and takes the Mister Coffee)

Nick Y: The ancients knew sooo many secrets.

(His eyes dart around; then he leaves the squadroom)

* * *

**Turning The Drum On Its Head**

(Wojo walks in on Barney, alone in the briefing room)

Wojo: Hey, Barn? Admiral Scanlon is off the ship. He's gone.

Barney: Is he really, Wojo? I mean, look what one little visit from Fleet Internal Affairs did to this ship, this crew. No, Scanlon's still with us. He'll always be with us.

Wojo: No, no. I seen him beam off mys...ohhhhh. You're bein' philosophical.

Barney: We like to think that that Salem, The Inquisition, The Red Scare---that it's all behind us. It never takes much to start it all over again.

Wojo: (Sheepishly) Uhhh...maybe I shoudna been helping Scanlon find out all that stuff about us.

(Barney nods and speaks sarcastically)

Barney: Next time--let's keep that in mind, shall we?

-------------------------------------------------  
**Dietrifichation**

(Ambassador Dietrich is walking with Commander Data on Romulus)

Dietrich: The astounding thing is that the future took so very long to happen. Our comm-badges are barely more advanced than the cell-phones of Earth's late 20th Century. People still die from sudden trauma. No phaser-proof vests. Warp speed that still hasn't opened up our own galaxy's remote corners. Seemingly every alien race we encounter having better weapons and shields. People who almost never respect our laws, unless we force the issue. A total acquiescence to isolationist worlds based on our very earliest first contacts, rather than modern ones. Computers that seem to have as their prime function the words: Unable To Comply. I know we didn't hit a tech wall. So why is the future taking so long to get here?

Data: Sir--are you at all aware that you talk a lot?

Dietrich: Me? Commander, I haven't been able to get a single word in edgewise, since you arrived.

* * *

**The Captain On The Edge Of Marriage**

(Fish, Barney and Harris emerge from Guardian)

Harris: I thought Liz would choose to come with us.

Fish: No. She has work to do in that era. And boy...does that era ever need work.

Barney: She has her world...I have mine. Time has been corrected. That's all that counts. I'm resolved to never seeing her again.

Guardian: Will you choose to use my gateway again?

Barney: Yeah. I'll be stopping by this weekend. Same era.

(All stare at Barney, who shrugs)

Barney: Wellll....I can't just go and break it off with her all at once!

* * *

**Space Hogs**

(His ship recovered, Captain Miller sees Khotter walk in)

Miller: I thought you beamed down to Ceti Alpha.

Khotter: Tell me, Captain...do you know Milton?

Miller: Of course. In John Milton's Paradise Lost, he said 'It is a better to live as a king in Hell than as a slave in heaven.'

Khotter: (Pshaws him) No, no. I mean my Uncle, Milton Khotter. See, he was dictator of this small Balkan state when this half-gorilla, half-whale walks in and asks if he can borrow some plutonium....

(Meanwhile)

Dietrich: How do you excuse your atrocities during The Eugenics Wars?

Epstein: Ahhh, that's easy. See---I got a note.

---

Wojo: So you guys are like really smart and stuff?

Barbarino: Who?

-----

Harris: (Looks ashamedly at Washington) Bad enough that you tried to rule the world, put millions to death, and twisted the idea of betterment into almost pure evil. But---you 'overmen' actually WORE those clothes?

-------

Leavitt: Quick! Does anyone here know how to deal with a sudden catastrophic increase in warp core temperature?

Horshack: Oooh! Ooh-Ooh! Ooooh! I am somewhat familiar with that technology.

-----

Fish: So you were frozen with Khotter's people, to keep an eye on them? That musta been rough.

Woodman: Not so rough, Fish. After all, they're not people--they're Space Hogs!

--------

(All see Khotter dead, a phaser in Barney's hand)

Barbarino: He like, totally killed our leader!

Washington: Wait! Captain--was he telling one of his Uncle stories?

Barney: Yes.

Washington: Well---then why didn't you just tell us that it was self-defense?

Next: The shocking secret of Julie's famous tuna casserole!

* * *

**The Valkyrie's Steed** (TNG's The Pegasus)

(Miller looks at the elderly scientist, wholly disbelieving what he's hearing)

Barney: Eugenics? You were *that* Doctor Zee? One of the---founders---of the worst movement in all of Earth's history?

Doctor: Captain--you have your orders. Starfleet wants the Pegasus DNA Recombinator retrieved from Die Walkure's wreckage. Now, either move aside or I will order Mister Harris to relieve you.

Harris: (Firmly) Doctor--I may have served under you, back when I was as green as a Vulcan's blood. But I see now that the only worthwhile thing I learned from you--was how to dress well. I guess fascists are good for that, though. So I stand with Captain Miller.

Wojo: Ya know, I don't get most things. But this--this I really don't get. Since you came on this ship, you're all fun and games. But you helped fund freakin' Khotter!

Doctor: Stanislaw--think about the fun all our children will have when they no longer need to fear Klingons and Romulans-- because we as a species are stronger, swifter, and smarter by far than they!

Dietrich: Actually, all I can think about when I think about that is--a lot of dead people who'd rather be alive. What's the point, Doctor? Or don't you think the other players will call and match our raise? They're good for that, you know.

Yemana: I'd call that a sucker's bet. Those--I don't take.

Barney: Place Doctor Zee under arrest--the charge? Unfit To Serve. The rest we'll make up, if we have to.

Doctor: I have a lot of friends in Starfleet Command, Captain!

Fish: That's good--because I have a feeling you're going to need them.

* * *

**The Search For Dietrich**

(The USS Pitlik explodes above them; Barney stares up)

Barney: My God--What Have I Done?

Wojo: (looks confused) You blew up the ship with the Klingons on it.

(Barney just kind of glares)

* * *

**Wow, Wouldja Look At That!**

(Wentworth at Comm gestures)

Wentworth: Captain Miller--an urgent message from Enterprise.

(Barney reads it; shakes his head)

Barney: That Jim Kirk...y'know. He and Gary used to pull this kind of thing on me all the time at The Academy. Well, its 2286, and things have changed for this little plebe. Wentworth--send the following response to my *esteemed* colleague.

Wentworth: Go ahead, sir.

Barney: Dear Jim---nice try. But FYI, everyone knows that The Ancient Destroyer is only a myth. Regards--Barney.

Wentworth: All done, sir. Y'know, I'll bet Nyta Uhura's in on this, too. She sent her message as being from Secretary Of State Uhura-Kirk.

Barney: Well, that proves it. Those two won't tie the knot till we're on the verge of Armageddon!

* * *

**The Stopover** (DS9's The Visitor)

(Barney, still young, appears before an elderly Wojo)

Wojo: Oh, you're here. Good.

Barney: Wojo, don't get up. You're tired.

Wojo: Nahhh...I gotta do this now. But I sure gained sympathy for old Fish.

(It obviously hurts him to move)

Wojo: Y'know, Barn....once upon a time, before this 'Unstuck' thing happened to you, you meant one hell of a lot to an overeager kid who came on like a cannonball.

Barney: He was always worth it. He still is.

(Pulls something that Barney can't see)

Wojo: I done some figuring, and Dietrich agrees with me--time is pretty elastic.

Barney: Since I feel a lot like a yo-yo, I concur.

Wojo: Hey, Barn? That kid I was? The one who needed ya? Could ya do an old man a big favor?

Barney: Anything I can, of course.

(Before Barney can react, Wojo turns the phaser on himself)

Wojo: Say hi to him for me.

(As old-Wojo vanishes in a flash of blue light, Barney screams and runs toward him; Back in the present, he misses being struck by the energy wave that catapulted him originally)

Barney: Woooojoooo!!!

Wojo: Barn, I'm right here. You alright? You look like ya saw a ghost!

Barney: (Sees all restored as it should be) I did. I did see a ghost. A very loyal, very good ghost who knew and understood his duty to his Captain.

Wojo: Ok. Are you *sure* the beam missed you?

* * *

**By Any Other Bet**

(We see Rojan and the other Kelvans, staring confusedly at the ground)

Rojan: Captain Miller--we sought to punish you by punishing a crew member. But this result was--unexpected.

(Barney holds up the die-cube that was once Nick Yamane, complete with dot markings on each of its six sides)

Barney: You'd have to know Mister Yamane, first, Rojan. Then it would all make sense. Can you change him back?

Rojan: This permutation may make things difficult.

Barney: What are you saying?

Rojan: The odds are 1 in 5.

* * *

**Bonus Episode**

**The Borg Go Two For One** (TNG's The BOBW)

Loquacious: Resistance Is Futile. Your culture will be made to service ours. The Collective has over 2 billion species in it, and about 8 billion more catalogued. It has a dizzying array of arrays. It has weaponry that makes yours seem irrelevant. It has multiple and redundant protections against things like viruses and corruptions. Granted, it has a few blind spots, like letting people on board, obsessing on about three or four humans, only attacking one power in The Alpha Quadrant, wholly ignoring The Dominion, who seem to do likewise to them. I mean, two powers this rapacious have never bumped heads? Non sequitur. Also, the Queen frankly kind of creeps me out.....

(Aboard The USS Pitlik)

Fish: It's their own fault for assimilating Dietrich!

* * *

**Please Don't Fight In My Squadroom**

Barney: Bele--Lokai! Your entire planet choked on hate. Walk away. Let it go.  
Change your ways. Change what's in your hearts.

Harris: And change those aw-ful monotones! Don't they have a Barney's Fifth Ave on that world?

Lokai: You talk a good game, Captain. But his kind will never change.

Bele: You are asking for change from a creature bred and born to violence, Captain!

Barney: (Throws up his arms) Alright, then. Come with me, and I'll beam you down myself, so you can end your fight where it began.

Bele: Fine!

Lokai: Fine!

Wojo: Barn---

Harris: You can't be serious....

Fish: These two are going to kill each....

Yemana: Barn, the Prime Directive doesn't even apply, when a stolen shuttle...

Dietrich: Captain, turning these two men loose on that dead world....

Barney: Is exactly what I'm going to do, without further discussion.

(As Barney + the two enter, Leavitt leaves the turbolift, sees Bele and Lokai)

Leavitt: Commander Dietrich?

Dietrich: Yes, Carl?

Leavitt: Were those two guys like, really fanatic about the New Orleans Saints, or was it me?

(Barney returns, having completed the beam down)

Wojo: Awww, Barn. Ya just gave up.

Wentworth: Yeah. Doin' that doesn't make any sense.

Dietrich: Neither did they. It drove you to distraction, Captain.

Fish: You as good as put phasers in their hands.

Harris: Captain--I'm sorry, but I don't get it.

Yemana: Me either. Usually, you figure somethin' out.

Barney: (Shrugs, goes for his chair) Not this time. Their parabilities, to say nothing of their intransigence, made any other outcome impossible. So--I beamed them down to Charon...

(He smiles)

Barney: .....of course, they are now located each 30,000 miles apart from the other, with absolutely no idea of where to even start looking....

(The crew smiles as they get underway) 

**Fish And Loaves** (Voy's ep with the two Be'lannas and The Vidians) by Rob Morris

Vidian Doctor: The good news is, we have isolated the genes in Doctor Fish that could provide our cure, and split them off into two separate forms.

Vidian Official: And what's the bad news?

(The official walks in; The two Fishes are 100% identical)

Vidian Dr.: We'll....keep trying.

Fish 1: We should try and get out of here.

Fish 2: I'm afraid I can't.

Fish 1: Why the hell not?

Fish 2: (Shaking his head) We've just never worked well with others!

Fish 1: It could be worse.

Fish 2: How could *this* be any worse?

Fish 1: Easy. There could be two Bernices.

(Fish 2 keels over at the mere thought)

Fish: Wonderful. Now who am I going to talk to?

Dietrich: (As Vidian) Phil---I've come here to get you out. Let's talk over the plan.

(Fish's eyes go wide with horror; kneels over Fish 2's body; begins slapping him)

Fish: WAKE UP!!!!

--------------------------------------------  
Widely Traveled (TNG's A Matter Of Time)

Barney: You'll have to excuse our Commander Data, Mister Rasmussen. Lacking true emotions, he sometimes fails to catch the meaning of certain phrases.

Data: This is substantially correct. I hope one day to somehow correct this lack.

Rasmussen (Played by Richard Libertini, in this case): You know, by my time, this whole issue of artificial intelligence and its validity as sentient life has been wholly resolved, and people joyfully claim many Positronics as teachers, lovers---in-laws.

(Data puts his hand on Rasmussen)

Data: Sir--when does this sea change in attitude take place?

Rasmussen: (Pushes Data's hand off; Points) Dooon't you touch me!

* * *

**Talkin Bout My......**

(In the Nexus)

Harry Stone: (Harry Anderson) Well, I guess I'm The Captain...Of The USS Pitlik.

Barney: Wait, wait! We're using 'Night Court' as TNG's equivalent?

Harry: Well, where did you think all those nuts you arrested got sent, anyway? JAG?

(Richard Moll walks in)

Bull: Harry---we gotta speed this up. We're doing a Highlander XO in ten minutes. I was in the premiere episode!

* * *

(In the brig of the USS Pitlik are Cassidy Yates, Kes, Wes Crusher and Ro Laren)

Barney: (Lecturing) Look, I know that being recurring and/or returning characters can be frustrating, but that's no excuse for behaving in a manner that violates your series' bible!

(Harris walks up)

Harris: Barney--you have GOT to see this.

(In Dietrich's custody are two versions of Avery Brooks; one from DS9 Seasons 1-3; The other from Seasons 4-7; they are dressed and groomed accordingly)

Barney: Well now---this just about explains everything, doesn't it?

Capt. Sisko: We must trust in the Prophets.

Cmdr. Sisko: Ohhh---shut up!

* * *

(Kruge points at the crew)

Kruge: Admit it! You humans want to use your Genesis device on Q'onos itself!

Wojo: Well, would that be so bad? Q'onos has like no vegetation, or animals, or---nothin!

(Kruge's face seems to shift)

Kruge: Ya know--I never thought about it that way before. Waddya you guys think?

(His Klingon crew, is, shall we say--familiar)

Kalex: I'm gonna go with the Terrans on this one. Q'onos could use some major touch-up work.

Kony: Let's face it--the place is a dump.

Klouie: Some loser is always stabbin' somebody else. Like I got time to be seeking ancient vengeance. I barely have time to kill my own enemies, without worryin' about some worm-food ancestor who's probably lickin dirt in Grethor!

Kehlaine: And everybody HAS to have their hair braided? I mean Mara--she had a smooth forehead and manageable hair! I'm just tired of it all.

Kobby: And when they don't like your acting--they open fire! What is up with that! Nobody knows how to do written reviews?!

Kalataka: Keeptin Kruge---I have detonated the Genesis device over the planet Q'onos, back in The Empire.

Barney: How did you get your people off the planet that quickly?

(Klataka slaps his own forehead)

Kalataka: Oooh! I knew there was something I was forgetting to be doing!

(The Klingons all sit down)

Kalex: Captain Miller--can we stay on Earth for awhile?

Kalataka: I'll betting The Kahless, he is putting a big curse on me!

Dietrich: I'd say that falls within the realms of possibility.

* * *

**First Best NYC's Finest Destiny**

EARTH, 1975

Chano: So we all got sent on this mission? I just barely got rid of those powers.

Wojo: Just what are we supposed to do here?

Harris: This era was not a fashionable one.

Fish: I never understood Starfleet's reasoning.

Leavitt: Reasoning? That's giving them a lot of credit.

Yamane: Who's taking odds on how long we stay?

Wentworth: At least I get to wear pants.

Dietrich: I'll reconnoiter; Get us ID in this era. Then I'll see if I can locate any evidence of Gary Seven's activities.

Barney: Well---let's take a look at our new HQ--for the next eight years.

(Opens door)

Barney: Congratulations, everyone. We are now the proud officers of New York City's Twelfth Precinct!

(They look around; They are obviously not impressed)

Barney: We'll----still have access to The USS Pitlik, in cloaked orbit, of course.

Yamane: We better. Have you seen the rents in this town?

THE OLD ONE-TWO IS JUST BEGINNING........ 


End file.
